COFFEE, coffee, coooffffffeeeee!

I'm a big tea drinker. I have a large collection of tea--herbal teas, black teas, white tea, lots of green tea. There is nothing like a cup of English Breakfast, a little honey, and a splash of milk in the morning. I drink hot tea in the summer, and far too many cups of tea per day in the winter. It has been like this for years. I used to drink coffee, but it's been so long, I forgot why I had stopped in the first place.

I've been spending a lot of time with coffee drinkers so I thought I might have a cup, just to see what I've been missing out on. When I was offered a cup of coffee a couple of weeks ago, I imagined that maybe I'd discover that this is the magic tonic I've been searching for. I imagined after a cup of coffee that I'd be really motivated. I'd suddenly feel compelled to do all the things on my to-do list that I keep putting off and transferring to the next to-do list; I'd start training for a marathon; I'd figure out how to fit more hours into a day. So, I said, "Sure. Can't hurt. I'd love one. Milk and sugar, please."

Fast forward a week and I'm ordering a large cup of European style hot chocolate (at Naked Chocolate) with a shot of espresso. Everything is grand! Coffee is my new best friend. I do feel a bit more vim after a cup of coffee. I like it. I'm excited, slightly convinced that I am more productive. I walk faster.

Then, on Friday, I decided to go for a mochaccino before I headed up to New York. I'm having a lovely time, chatting at a cafe. When I finish my drink and stand up, I feel dizzy. I start sweating. What's wrong with me? I'm having a heart attack, maybe an anxiety attack; NAUSEA, I've been poisoned; an explosive device has gone off inside my body--Suddenly, I remember why I stopped drinking coffee. I can't believe I have to get on a bus for two hours. Not now, not now, NOT NOW! I'm dying, I'm sure of it. It was the coffee.

I run home and collect myself. I still feel a bit like a strung out parrot with an awful tick, but I look okay. I get on the bus and plug myself into my ipod. Somehow sitting still while jazzy tunes bop around my head, I attempt to do some deep breathing and to go to sleep. I drift off finally as I reach the end of my jazzy playlist. The music stops and the conversation between the two women sitting next to me starts to seep into my semi-consciousness. "Oh look, it's the Joyce Kilmer rest stop. She wrote that poem about a tree. You know, 'I've never read a poem as lovely as a tree,' " One lady says. "Oh did she?" the other replies. At this moment I blurt out, "Joyce Kilmer was a man!" My eyes are still closed. I realize that I said that out loud. I open my eyes and the two women are staring at me, like I'm strung out, so I repeat myself, "Uhh... Joyce Kilmer was a man." One of the women, shocked that I've butt into their conversation to correct them then tells me that she'll have to google that when she gets home. Oh god, I'm totally never drinking coffee ever again. I still try to redeem myself and explain why I'm still talking. I add, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I always think about the tree poem, and the poet with the girl's name, when I pass that rest station." I didn't mean it like that, but it came out like that. "Joyce is a man's name," the googler retorts, "Just like Vivian. Actually, I have a male friend named Vivian."

I fumble around looking for my ipod to listen to something else. I tell myself to stop talking and try to make a note this time of the reasons why I stopped drinking coffee...
1. serious delirium
2. feeling like I'm going to die
3. the shits

RZA & GZA put it best in Coffee & Cigarettes:

Coffee and I are NOT friends.