butterflies

I used to write the internet a lot to let anyone who was listening know how I was doing... just in case they cared. Life got so busy, it has been a while since I've had time for a good ramble about my life, thoughts, and other stuff.  Tonight though, I do feel somewhat inspired to let some things seep... here we go.

"Without change, there would be no butterflies."

I've spent so much of my life rejecting any new trend and dodging any catchy phrase or idea, but I guess the marketing  in 2008 finally figured out how to get to me.  GREEN (or "going green") became like the new black, and now CHANGE is the new green, yet that whole thing about change is all about it being black.  And usually all of this is soooooo silly to me, but I seem to dig quite a lot of it this time.  For once some of it makes some sense.  I've been drinking up the feel good vibes in the Obama-flavored Kool-Aid by the gallon--mostly because it does taste like exactly what I need/want/have been hoping to hear.

Over the past couple of weeks I've had an increasing sense of discomfort, one that churned in my stomach and created intense waves of nausea that prevented me from eating properly. It's the same feeling I always get when I'm being pushed towards another drastic shift in my life. After instances of lost love, before a big move, right before I accomplish something big, when I feel overwhelmed by uncertainty, I've stopped breathing for what feels like weeks. In all instances, I wasn't quite prepared for the changes ahead, but later found myself much better off than I was before. This knowledge still doesn't make me worry less or feel any better.

Yet... Last night, despite no resolution to my major personal issues, I started breathing again.  I found myself motivated to organize, clean, put things in order, purge the nonsense, tie up all the loose ends and make myself ready for all that is next. I started thinking about butterflies. Next for me includes New York City, teaching at Pratt (in Brooklyn!), and focusing on the development of my teaching skills. Next includes an ongoing sigh of relief that I feel like what I support, believe in, and vote for was heard this time around and might actually continue to be heard.  I'm letting my whole being soak up the positive energy and hope that emanated from this historic moment without a drop of cynicism. I don't care how cheezy I sound anymore. I'm thinking about butterflies.  This marked a shift in this particular time of shifting. I'm becoming more able to remind myself of the beauty that can come out of periods of uncertainty.  I'm allowing myself to just enjoy the process.  I'm pushing myself to be my best and strongest this time, and look hopefully towards next (as if it's all one big adventure) instead of fearing how this could possibly could end up.  

It's a time to recreate, to evolve, to improve upon the last created version of myself.  It sounds all grand and lofty, but I'm just gonna love it.  I'm going to keep dreaming of butterflies.